Wednesday, August 25, 2004


I've been going back to work for a few weeks now to prepare for the semester. My goal is to not bring work home so that I can be here for Michael and Mazen. So far it's been better than usual but I still drag a few things home. The past two days have exhausted me and I feel so overwhelmed. Last night I came home and was tired, laid down to nurse Mazen (she will only nurse laying down) and one of the worst headaches hit. I didn't want to disturb her and so I tried to block it out but it just got worse. Ugh. One of those migraine types. Pretty soon I couldn't bear to open my eyes in the light. I wanted to take one of my percocets! But I did not want to treat a headache with a narcotic. (I have a huge fear of ever becoming addicted to anything.) So, in my irrationality of choosing NOT to take a percocet I decided not to take anything. Stupid. I tried to help Michael with dinner. I feel guilty that I haven't been able to come home and give my energy to him and Mazen. I know how hard it is to take care of a baby all day long. He needs a break in the evening. But I could barely function. I could tell he was tired too. Then Michael said, "why don't you take some ibuprofen or something?" Duh. I really needed an excedrin migraine pill and thought I was out, but sure enough there was some excedrin in my closet and I took two. It took about 30 minutes but I literally felt my head tingle as the headache started to subside. It was a strange,and welcome, feeling.

Then as Mazen was drifting off to sleep nursing around 8:30 I thought, "Yay! I'm gonna go to bed at 9:00!" She finally went down totally around 8:50, I went and brushed my teeth and got ready for bed and decided to browse over the Fall Chapel schedule for a few minutes and try to do a little planning and praying over it. Just about the time I was going to head to bed Michael said, "Hey! You know what's on? The Amazing Race!!!" We were taping the Olympics and the only way I could see the Amazing Race was to go to the other TV to watch it. Temptation overtook me and I decided to sit with my husband under a blanket on the couch downstairs and watch the Amazing Race. It's a fun show.

Then up to again get ready for bed. But a stop at my computer and I realized I had to answer some emails for NCU before I forgot about them.

Finally crawled into bed at 10:30 I think but then I couldn't sleep. Had all these things on my mind and so after contemplating them for a while I went downstairs and started typing on the computer to get them down. Ministry related stuff. Then after reading some things I NEEDED and WANTED to read my Bible. I was compelled. So I sat down and read the whole book of Mark and pondered several things.

Back to bed AGAIN at 12:30. Finally!

Of course, Mazen started to rustle and whimper, so I picked her up and fed her. I tried to keep her quiet so Michael would not wake up, but he did. I fed her and then, as usual, she doesn't like me to put her down. She goes back to bed for Michael, but she wants contact with me and wakes up every time I try to put her down. So I sat in the recliner holding her and praying over her and cherishing my time with her. I get less and less of it now that I am at work. So I held her for a good part of the night and slept off and on with her. I love her so much. It felt so good to wrap my arms around her and hold her while her head rested in the crook of my neck. She would breathe deeply and smack her lips and nestle her head close to me. My heart melted.

I think I finally got to real sleep in my bed around 2:45 am.

Next thing I know, Michael is getting up around 5 am.

We've got to get more sleep in this house!

Last night was a combination of temptation, God speaking, and then Mazen. :) Obviously I can cut out the temptation. Just yesterday I preached to one of my students about the lack of sleep our NCU students seem to get and then I spend a night like this!

For those who have asked, I will try to get some more recent pictures of Mazen up this week sometime. I have to download, burn a CD, transfer to another computer, etc. so it is a bit of a process. But I'll work on it!

1 comment:

Kristy said...

My dear sweet Barbara. I find it difficult to read your words, because I'm not there to comfort you. It feels as though I am watching your life on some tv show and unable to have contact with one of the most important people in my life. You are you know. *smile*
Your words ring true. And I don't know if it will get any easier, but ... I love you. And eat up every word you type.
I miss you terribly.