>>> Rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
>>> "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
>>> some examples that have been heard or reported:
>>>
>>> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
>>> where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time
>>> choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're
>>> not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
>>>
>>> 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
>>> crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
>>> altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
>>> comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>>> 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
>>> your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
>>> it's something we'd like to have.
>>>
>>> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
>>> ways out of this airplane"
>>> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
>>> giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>>>
>>> 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
>>> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>>>
>>> 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
>>> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
>>> take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
>>> landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
>>> 8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
>>> Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
>>> into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
>>> belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
>>> shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>>>
>>> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
>>> descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
>>> over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
>>> your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
>>> more than one small child, pick your favorite."
>>>
>>> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
>>> clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
>>> and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
>>> Airlines."
>>> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
>>> of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
>>> with our compliments."
>>>
>>> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
>>> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
>>> flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>>>
>>> 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
>>> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
>>> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>>>
>>> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
>>> Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
>>> "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here
>>> to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
>>> fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>>>
>>> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
>>> a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
>>> Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
>>> landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
>>> Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
>>> while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>>>
>>> 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
>>> landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
>>> bounces us to the terminal."
>>>
>>> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
>>> hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
>>> policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
>>> the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
>>> airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
>>> time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
>>> have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
>>> little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I
>>> ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
>>> The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>>>
>>> 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
>>> on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
>>> Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
>>> halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
>>> warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
>>> way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>>>
>>> 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
>>> thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
>>> the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
>>> metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>>>
>>> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if
>>> you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
>>> wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>>> 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
>>> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
>>> the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
>>> Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
>>> The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
>>> uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence
>>> followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
>>> intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
>>> you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
>>> accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
>>> the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.
>>> You should see the back of mine!"
>>>
>>> *****
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